When a city girl moves to the country, there are a few things that she is going to need to know. For instance, the smell of manure in the air does not mean that a sewer pipe has burst. You can hang up the phone- there is no “city” to call to come fix the problem. This is simply how your neighbors make their living.

Walking outside after 3PM, after a rainfall, or really any time at all, requires the application of nearly a full can of bug spray. Tiki torches, Bounce dryer sheets, and organic sprays made with eucalyptus and lavender are some alternatives that the hippies will try to impose on you, but they all get a big middle finger from me. If the smell of it doesn’t burn your eyes, it’s not going to work. In the city, pollution keeps the mosquitos at bay, but when a city girl moves to the country, all bets are off. Only a can of OFF Deep Woods will keep you from looking like a chicken pox victim by the end of the night.

When you drive in the city, you are fearful of speeding because there are cops. If a cop sees you speeding, you will be pulled over and forced to donate part of your paycheck to the city, only after standing in line for a full day in the local court office, which is actually enough torture on its own. When you drive in the country, you are fearful of speeding because a giant deer can come out of nowhere at any time and shove it’s hoof through your windshield. Depending on the size of the deer and the rate at which you were speeding, this may result in worse consequences than a day in traffic court. Thousands of dollars in damages to the car and a relocated nose are good enough reasons to keep anyone from driving over the speed limit AND off the cell phone!

National Grid gas heat and Time Warner Cable’s wireless internet have no place in your life anymore. You can take these two phone numbers off of your speed dial, they won’t even answer your calls when they see your address pop up on their automated system. Heat is now from a source they call… wood. And internet has to be used on your cell phone (should you be lucky enough to have cell service) or at the “local” (20 miles out) Starbucks.

The objects you find in the bottom of your pool are not left over from an alien invasion that happened while you were sleeping. These are actual bugs and rodents that roam about the earth. Some of them look strikingly similar to the creatures from Men in Black, but I assure you, if you have the stomach to Google them, without fear of nightmares later on, you will be able to confirm that these are living organisms hiding right in the backyard.

You will find that you are more comfortable with a crackhead walking by you in the middle of the night in the city, than you are standing alone, in the dark, in the country. If a crackhead comes at you in the city, you have three things on your side. One- When you yell, people will hear you. Two- The crackhead probably has enough contraband lingering in his system that a swift kick to the groin will take him right out. And three- He most likely is not looking to kill you; he’s been to jail and doesn’t want to go back. He just wants a couple of bucks to pay off the pimp he did business with last night. In the country, you can have any number of wild animals waiting behind a tree or in the brush ready to pounce on you. No one will hear you scream. The animals are not worried about going to jail. And they don’t want a couple of bucks either, they want dinner.

Living in the country can be a big change to someone who is used to noise, congestion, and a fast-paced way of life. However, once you stop and appreciate all that the country has to offer, you will see that the lurking wildlife and lack of efficient heat is all worth it. I hope this serves as a helpful guide to those city girls thinking of putting their Tony Lamas to use. The country is truly a beautiful place to live. It’s filled with peace, nature, fresh air, and it’s never frowned upon to crack open a beer before noon! Yeehaw!